Relationships

I began to see clearly from the age of forty-two how my world revolved around men – most of my energy was consumed by this. 

From a mental perspective, my thoughts revolved around how to cater to his every need – cleaning his space, doing his laundry, cooking etc. – consumed with the big question: has all his needs been met? It didn’t matter if the relationships were good or bad/fulfilling or not (using those general words though there are ranges to them). When I look back, just from an energetic standpoint, that required a lot of energy that left me drained with nothing for myself. I had no energy left to even give to myself. But, while in it, I could not see this clearly. Even writing about it now makes me feel exhausted!

I’ve seen all the women in my life do this, follow this same pattern. It’s not anyone’s fault. This whole earth experience is all geared towards learning. Everyone is doing the best they can. There are moments when I would take care of the things I need to take care of for myself, and finally have some time and space to rest, and then my partner would call, and walla, I would then use the rest of my energy that I could have used for myself to take care of what he needs.

Where was my balance? Why couldn’t I live it? How much was too much? At this age now (over fifty), the realization that comes up, is that, if I had given myself enough of my own energy, I would become a damn millionaire! Really! At first, I was ticked off, that, in my most fertile years, I spent more of my energy on the men I’ve been with than on myself. 

Now, I don’t want this to come off as some form of hate towards men for it is not about that. I’m thankful really. I was living from my own beliefs, and this was a lesson I was going through. I was breaking through barriers and limits to become free. This is my own journey and experience. I value each relationship that I have been in and all the great history and experiences that have been shared because there are no regrets in love. There are also experiences that I should have walked away from. I saw the red flags and couldn’t listen to them. And, there are some where I had the courage to leave. But, then I felt emotional turmoil and unstable or numb. So, my experiences varied and they were tremendous. I truly admire the women who didn’t have limited beliefs and made different and healthier life choices and became millionaires already, and/or, decided to have a family because they knew how to create and live the balance for their own well being. That’s to be applauded and respected.

That said, for me, it was a process to get to where I am now, to live a balance I had to build from a lot of life lessons. Maybe I was paying my dues. Anyway, here I am still alive with opportunities to live change. Life gave me clear directions, and I was taking this opportunity with so much love and will. 

At this moment in my life, I feel the most fertile I’ve ever felt, and I’m giving myself my energy to create something that I want. I’m investing in myself fully. Let’s see what the returns will be. I am in a relationship, but it does not consume me. It’s a complement to my foundation of who I am.

I am working on three projects now, and this blog is one of them. I physically manifested it, first and foremost, with my inner guidance, which manifested on the outside from an amazing coach in South Africa. The other two projects are very promising, and it’s been fun to dip my toes in my creative side to move that energy. My creative side has been stagnated for so long. I finally feel a sort of inner balance and fulfillment.

At some point in my life, I trained to be an IIN Holistic Health Coach, and one of the takeaways on that was having balance on what they term the primary foods:

Physical Activity: Regular physical movement

Relationships: Meaningful positive relationships

Career: Fulfilling work

Spirituality: Some form of spiritual connection (whatever that means for you)

The reason why these are called the primary foods is because they are at the root of why we reach for actual foods to consume. When there are imbalances in these primary foods, we reach for the secondary foods – the things we actually eat. For example, reaching for an excessive number of sweets could mean there is an issue with love or relationships. Another example that I experimented with was when I had cravings for potatoes or an excessive amount of carbs, I would notice that I felt unstable in my finances, so I was reaching for these foods to unconsciously ground or stabilize myself. Here I had discovered the knowledge and beauty of how the body has an amazing compass. If only I had the capacity to sort of decode it, listen to it, and, of course, follow it. 

I realized for years that I had invested so much of my energy on men because I had a belief that maybe they would take away the pain, the discomfort, the traumas, the emptiness that I felt inside. It’s mind boggling how clearly this became. I see this for myself and it’s the impetus for the changes I want to live from this point on. That was only a band aid fix. It was temporary. 

A key to building a solid foundation to live the balance is to have a strong support system. For me, I met an older woman in my thirties who helped me tremendously. Earlier on, I didn’t want to hear anything she had to say, but from the age of forty-two that changed. I really began to hear her. She became a reference point for me. When women support each other, miracles can happen. For me, it started with that one woman and then I continued to build my network. I have so many women in my life, and I continue to meet women almost every day. It’s amazing to find out how much we have in common and how much we need each other. Our differences are important because we get to learn from each other. This can help to heal from a real place. There are many resources I got from my support system to utilize in order to start addressing and working on my pain, discomfort, traumas, and emptiness, which I will write about in another entry.

Now, I can give myself what I need, my energy, my time, my love, my care, my respect, my peace, to truly heal and nurture myself, and give only what is necessary to other aspects of my life with any extra energy. If I don’t have enough energy for myself, how can I give to anyone else? This to me, is the permanent solution.

This is younging it!